A familiar phrase. Like one of those little candy hearts made popular for Valentine’s Day — a day for lovers, for romance. Or a day to be reminded that you’re not anyone’s lover at the moment.
Take heart. Most people create at least one serious — meaning that it spans several months to several years — relationship in their adult life. Likely more than one. This article explores the beginning of a romantic relationship.
Something — a spark of romance, a moment of intense connection — something moves people to choose one another. People report feeling powerfully drawn toward someone else. Or feeling as if they already know the other person. Or that something inside them just knows this is the right person for them.
So, what is the probable origin of this powerful feeling? Who is choosing romantic partners for you? And who, incidentally, will likely choose your next partner as well? Many therapists, counselors and psychologists believe that this "chooser" is the inner child, or child within — the child-like part of a personality.
Everyone carries within the child they once were. This child remains active and makes many of the choices people think the adult self is making. The inner child is naturally playful, intuitive, persistent and unlimited. Sometimes the child is wounded, hurt and frightened; sometimes excited, inspired and loving. The child within is stubborn and willful at times, shy and quiet at other times. This same child may run and hide from people one moment and burst into joyous laughter in a crowd of strangers the next.
Many people were hurt when they were children. Some still carry a wounded, frightened little boy or girl within. This little child has powerful ways of protecting itself and getting its needs met. Since people live all of their lives with this inner child, they may be unaware of many of its traits. They often say "that’s just the way I am" when asked to consider why they behave the way they do.
To illustrate the inner child’s power, consider this brief scene:
Who had this conversation? The man and the woman? It sounds more like two tired, cranky children. Most people are quite familiar with this pattern. Often some significant parts of a relationship sound just like this. One way or another the inner child comes out and makes him or herself known.
To give a further illustration of this power, here is another scene:
Who had this conversation? This time it sounds like two children enjoying the simple wonder of being alive. The inner child is present all the time. Some authors call it the wonder child. Whatever you call this core level of being and feeling, it is important to know that everyone has it.
Most people realize they sometimes act like a child. And they certainly know others sometimes behave like children. And if you are quite honest, you can probably recall times when you and your partner seemed more like children than adults. Happy, carefree, loving and joyful, as well as crabby, whiny, irritable and demanding.
Remember this: Your inner child chooses your partner. Most people would like to think that it is they, the adult, the grown-up making an adult decision. They’d like to believe that they sift through all the information, weigh the pros and cons, and make an intelligent, informed decision.
People think that they, the sensible adult, select their partner. They move closer to the truth when they understand just how persistent the inner child is at getting what it wants. The inner child is looking for someone to make them feel whole and complete. The inner child wants an emotional climate that is familiar. The inner child wants everything to feel right. Whether an adult thinks they are making a wise or a foolish choice, it is the little child who says "I’ll take that one!"
Is your inner child whole and happy? Is it still hurting over something that happened in the past? A child in pain is not in condition to make important adult choices — such as a partner for life.
What can you do? Learn all you can about your family and your place within that family. Find out who your inner child is so that you may discover what your inner self really believes and expects out of life.
Examine your past relationships with the idea of learning what worked and what didn’t work. Understand that many of the interactions you had with previous partners were between two children. Your adult self often stands unaware on the sidelines of your life!
Look inside and ask yourself what you really feel, what you really want. Learn to be honest in what you ask and genuine in how you respond. Ask people you trust to tell you the truth about how they perceive you. Your inner child is a powerful part of you. Above all else, learn to love, appreciate and cherish your inner child. Your inner child is the essence of you.